I finally figured out that I would like to be in love - to be loved, to really be cherished by another human being who is not coerced in anyway to have any interest in me.
It isn't critical that I experience this - it just is something I have resisted in the past because it was unlikely, risky. If it happens to me it will be wonderful - and now I will quit resisting those relationships which might develop into something like this... yes - you can resist love....I know - I have been doing it for awhile on many levels.
You might interpret this as me being unloving - but quite the contrary - I have always been willing to love, adore, cherish and tend people who are in my life. Receiving is the challenge...
To be clear, this doesn't mean I want to get married and have babies again (not saying no to it, just saying it isn't part of the criteria). I just want to have the experience of knowing when I wake up in the morning there is another adult on this planet who wants very much to see me, desires to spend time with me and prefers me over others...
My biggest challenge to this entire scenario - me believing it can happen - and then a person nuts enough to go there with me....
Oddly enough, I have plenty of friends who I know love me dearly - it is that romantic aspect which would require a guy to love me dearly that is so far outside my mental capabilities to even conceptualize....
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Autumn
Thank God Autumn is beautiful - because it depresses the hell out of me.
It signals the beginning of a long period of living in the dark, being cold and breathing horribly stuffy air. Almost immediately - with a brief reprieve around Halloween due to daylight savings time *whatever* - I am trudging off to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I have to start closing my windows, turning on the fireplace, wearing layers and layer of clothes. Illness is inherent in this as well, stuck inside, breathing the same ghastly air that your coworker (sick as a dog, thanks very much for making it in to share your germs with me) 6 cubes away just exhaled - after adding the equivalent of a neutron germ bomb.
You know, I could do the season for a day, but Autumn signals about 9 endless, wet and boring months of it. Truth be told, I am actually my most productive during this time, but it is simply because I am avoiding dwelling on how much I hate it. (sorry for dragging you into my loathing and despair - when even I hate being in it)
Every year, about this time, I start picking up travel magazines, surfing Travelocity and Club Med websites frequently, and actually consider moving to warmer climes.
I wonder if being raised in Libya is the fuel to this inferno?
Well - sorry for the down post - but I just hate this time of year. Hope I snap out of it soon.
Time to start Christmas shopping.... that ought to perk me up a little at least.
What else can I do to 'lighten' my mood? What do you do when Autumn hits?
It signals the beginning of a long period of living in the dark, being cold and breathing horribly stuffy air. Almost immediately - with a brief reprieve around Halloween due to daylight savings time *whatever* - I am trudging off to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I have to start closing my windows, turning on the fireplace, wearing layers and layer of clothes. Illness is inherent in this as well, stuck inside, breathing the same ghastly air that your coworker (sick as a dog, thanks very much for making it in to share your germs with me) 6 cubes away just exhaled - after adding the equivalent of a neutron germ bomb.
You know, I could do the season for a day, but Autumn signals about 9 endless, wet and boring months of it. Truth be told, I am actually my most productive during this time, but it is simply because I am avoiding dwelling on how much I hate it. (sorry for dragging you into my loathing and despair - when even I hate being in it)
Every year, about this time, I start picking up travel magazines, surfing Travelocity and Club Med websites frequently, and actually consider moving to warmer climes.
I wonder if being raised in Libya is the fuel to this inferno?
Well - sorry for the down post - but I just hate this time of year. Hope I snap out of it soon.
Time to start Christmas shopping.... that ought to perk me up a little at least.
What else can I do to 'lighten' my mood? What do you do when Autumn hits?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Here and Now
Where I choose to live...
not talking about a house or an apartment or a condo...
talking about where *mentally* I exist.
I could opt for pie in the sky future, bust out the rose colored glasses, stir in a winning lotto ticket, heap on the goodies of materialism - and really live there. But what would that accomplish? Inevitably I would be forced to compare that with reality - the results would force me into a temporary, yet very dark, depression.
I could opt for the golden view of yesteryear - alternated for variety with all the mistakes and awful moments which just won't succumb to the mind eraser. I could relive every bit of it - better and with more wit and wisdom. But it wouldn't change where I am now - the choices have been made, the awful moments suffered thru.
Or, I could, in Random Penny signature fashion - embrace where I am (however awful or blissful) and immerse myself in this life wholeheartedly. When I am with my children, really be there, hear them, guide them, most importantly love them. When I am at work, really be there, craft a career, relish my tasks, learn and grow and lead. When I am alone, really be there facing my demons, planning my future, dealing in reality, being a healthy me. When I am in my alternate universe, really be there, enjoying the people who are there, being grateful for the activities provided, savoring the food, the time, the morsels, the delight.
Really live - here and now.
not talking about a house or an apartment or a condo...
talking about where *mentally* I exist.
I could opt for pie in the sky future, bust out the rose colored glasses, stir in a winning lotto ticket, heap on the goodies of materialism - and really live there. But what would that accomplish? Inevitably I would be forced to compare that with reality - the results would force me into a temporary, yet very dark, depression.
I could opt for the golden view of yesteryear - alternated for variety with all the mistakes and awful moments which just won't succumb to the mind eraser. I could relive every bit of it - better and with more wit and wisdom. But it wouldn't change where I am now - the choices have been made, the awful moments suffered thru.
Or, I could, in Random Penny signature fashion - embrace where I am (however awful or blissful) and immerse myself in this life wholeheartedly. When I am with my children, really be there, hear them, guide them, most importantly love them. When I am at work, really be there, craft a career, relish my tasks, learn and grow and lead. When I am alone, really be there facing my demons, planning my future, dealing in reality, being a healthy me. When I am in my alternate universe, really be there, enjoying the people who are there, being grateful for the activities provided, savoring the food, the time, the morsels, the delight.
Really live - here and now.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Train Wreck
I am hurtling down a mountain on a train - my soon to be ex husband is heaping the coals on the fire of the engine and he has already disabled the brakes. I am in one of the cars with my children, with my arms wrapped as protectively around them as I can in the face of certain disaster, certain harm, holding onto them tightly.
He laughs maniacally at us all, and just in time jumps safely out of the train.
I am not liking this part of divorce - I am not liking the powerlessness - I am not liking the harm and stress this is inducing on my children. I am not liking the fear. Never did like the fear - but it got me to leave.
and I will be free and that is where I fix my eyes, and that is the destination I tell my kids about. The freedom will be worth this horrible...
He laughs maniacally at us all, and just in time jumps safely out of the train.
I am not liking this part of divorce - I am not liking the powerlessness - I am not liking the harm and stress this is inducing on my children. I am not liking the fear. Never did like the fear - but it got me to leave.
and I will be free and that is where I fix my eyes, and that is the destination I tell my kids about. The freedom will be worth this horrible...
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Self
This endless discovery of self is challenging to me. When will I be who I am? When will I know who I am? When will I quit changing like the sifting sands? When will I be able rely on myself? When will I be able to predict myself?
What I have learned recently - that I previously didn't know - about me:
I need affirmation. (this one was shocking, I thought genuinely that I needed no one - merely enjoyed them)
I don't ask for help. Ever. (this scares me, especially when I should, when I need to)
I feel weak - like a failure - when I cry.
I need touch - in many different ways, from different people, for different reasons.
I am easily hurt. (thought I was tougher than that)
I have never felt loved in a relationship (outside of parent/child or friendship)
I now recognize that I want to feel loved (oh, god, where will this take me - )
I am a really good negotiator - with crazy people. (do whatever you want with that)
I give love easily...
What I have learned recently - that I previously didn't know - about me:
I need affirmation. (this one was shocking, I thought genuinely that I needed no one - merely enjoyed them)
I don't ask for help. Ever. (this scares me, especially when I should, when I need to)
I feel weak - like a failure - when I cry.
I need touch - in many different ways, from different people, for different reasons.
I am easily hurt. (thought I was tougher than that)
I have never felt loved in a relationship (outside of parent/child or friendship)
I now recognize that I want to feel loved (oh, god, where will this take me - )
I am a really good negotiator - with crazy people. (do whatever you want with that)
I give love easily...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Old Friends
Going to dinner tomorrow with a group of friends from high school. Some I have seen in the recent past - most I saw at the 20 year reunion - but I was in a post-baby, I think my husband is having an affair, laid off from work funk. So, my input and conversation ability was stilted to say the least. But these are people I love. I lived with most of them for 3 years (love boarding school) and we knew each other rather well then. Now, we have been spread all over and are gathering back - so the conversation should be rich and fun. From our Facebook pictures we are all aging well, some of us have added pounds. Most of us have kids to talk about...
I hope I have a wonderful time.
This is a thing I would never have done pre-divorce. Just wouldn't have been allowed...
I hope I have a wonderful time.
This is a thing I would never have done pre-divorce. Just wouldn't have been allowed...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Duh
I have been warned. I knew.
But somehow it is still knocking the wind out of me.
I still am resolute, affirmative in my decision, because even this price is well worth the freedom.
Let it be said however - divorce is hard. Or as my friend Mike said, 'it's a real mind fuck, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy' There is some hard-assed wisdom there.
I knew that going in. That doesn't lessen the pain.
...and don't you worry about me - I am made of tough stuff - so a little cryin' in my beer (who's buying) and I can do this.
But somehow it is still knocking the wind out of me.
I still am resolute, affirmative in my decision, because even this price is well worth the freedom.
Let it be said however - divorce is hard. Or as my friend Mike said, 'it's a real mind fuck, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy' There is some hard-assed wisdom there.
I knew that going in. That doesn't lessen the pain.
...and don't you worry about me - I am made of tough stuff - so a little cryin' in my beer (who's buying) and I can do this.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Beautiful Souls
Everyone once in awhile I am reminded of the reason I am in wonder of life.
The other day, I attended a meeting out at the Tech Lab. The purpose was to show a new tool that will greatly aid in the work of the assembled Driller Team. As we were stood around - about 20 of us - waiting for the demo to begin and as a few late arriving key players walked in - one member experienced a seizure. Pretty severe one. Spiraled into a fall which was only stopped by the concrete floor. He bounced - hard - from a direct hit on the back of his head.
Some of the team knew about his condition, others did not.
The events that followed truly inspired me.
I work alongside these guys a lot. When we do a 'join' we are at work long hours, working difficult challenges and you get to know people when you do that. They are a great group of guys. I didn't know how wonderful they were. The team member who went down is by no means the outcast nor the champion, he is just another one of the guys. We like him, he likes us, we have occasionally had words, not many, and never remained mad. Just worked through the problems.
What I saw that day was beautiful, but if I wasn't looking, I might have missed it. When he fell, so hard, immediately the 3 guys closest to him in proximity, gathered around, spoke reassuringly, got something soft to go under his head, kept him from thrashing into anything else and further injuring himself. They didn't fawn, they didn't mess up, they didn't yell, they didn't shock, they very calmly handled the situation from a position of caring. His supervisor immediately got on her blackberry to summon the aid car. Others stood in the aisle way to direct the aid car to the correct location when it did arrive. Everyone hushed and did what was needed to care.
The big manager - who was in attendance to authorize the budget - went scurrying after tissue to wipe the man's mouth - out of concern, compassion.
I saw such tenderness, care, empathy, intelligent first aid, respect. I was floored.
I work with these guys a lot, and I knew they were special, but I had no idea how special.
After the aid car came and took our co-worker off to the hospital, the demo resumed, all very professional. We took care of business. Some of us returned to our work areas, but another group immediately went to the hospital. To check on him... Made sure his car got home. Gave him a ride home from the hospital. Checked in on him via phone. Reported to the others not in attendance. Not just that day, but even still.
All of this was taken in stride. All in attendance stood in their honor as excellent humans.
I respected them all before - now - maybe a little awe....
The other day, I attended a meeting out at the Tech Lab. The purpose was to show a new tool that will greatly aid in the work of the assembled Driller Team. As we were stood around - about 20 of us - waiting for the demo to begin and as a few late arriving key players walked in - one member experienced a seizure. Pretty severe one. Spiraled into a fall which was only stopped by the concrete floor. He bounced - hard - from a direct hit on the back of his head.
Some of the team knew about his condition, others did not.
The events that followed truly inspired me.
I work alongside these guys a lot. When we do a 'join' we are at work long hours, working difficult challenges and you get to know people when you do that. They are a great group of guys. I didn't know how wonderful they were. The team member who went down is by no means the outcast nor the champion, he is just another one of the guys. We like him, he likes us, we have occasionally had words, not many, and never remained mad. Just worked through the problems.
What I saw that day was beautiful, but if I wasn't looking, I might have missed it. When he fell, so hard, immediately the 3 guys closest to him in proximity, gathered around, spoke reassuringly, got something soft to go under his head, kept him from thrashing into anything else and further injuring himself. They didn't fawn, they didn't mess up, they didn't yell, they didn't shock, they very calmly handled the situation from a position of caring. His supervisor immediately got on her blackberry to summon the aid car. Others stood in the aisle way to direct the aid car to the correct location when it did arrive. Everyone hushed and did what was needed to care.
The big manager - who was in attendance to authorize the budget - went scurrying after tissue to wipe the man's mouth - out of concern, compassion.
I saw such tenderness, care, empathy, intelligent first aid, respect. I was floored.
I work with these guys a lot, and I knew they were special, but I had no idea how special.
After the aid car came and took our co-worker off to the hospital, the demo resumed, all very professional. We took care of business. Some of us returned to our work areas, but another group immediately went to the hospital. To check on him... Made sure his car got home. Gave him a ride home from the hospital. Checked in on him via phone. Reported to the others not in attendance. Not just that day, but even still.
All of this was taken in stride. All in attendance stood in their honor as excellent humans.
I respected them all before - now - maybe a little awe....
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sanctuary
I have this place I go - it is so different from where I live and what my life is - I refer to it as an 'alternate universe'. I have no stress there. Mostly no rules. I am welcomed, delighted in, enjoyed. I have no chores, no bills, no real responsibility. I don't get to visit often, but when I do, sometimes I am very sad to leave it, other times I am ready to go. When I get to visit for longer than 'normal', I feel I need a break to sort of 'reality check' myself.
I have been wondering lately if it is smart to have this place or not. Is escaping reality valid? healthy? wise?
Should I make a clean break? or should I enjoy it while the rest of my life is difficult, challenging, tumultuous?
OR
Is this alternate universe actually reality and it is where everyone else lives? Have I been living in, only experiencing a true alternate universe for so long that I no longer recognize regular life as normal? There really might be some truth to this notion. I personally doubt a reality that isn't painful, hard, tough, difficult, heart wrenching... I am almost afraid to consider one that is nice, friendly, fun, sweet, enjoyable, pleasant.
I guess time will tell. In the meantime, my journeys between universes will probably remain difficult. The contrast is wrenching.
I have been wondering lately if it is smart to have this place or not. Is escaping reality valid? healthy? wise?
Should I make a clean break? or should I enjoy it while the rest of my life is difficult, challenging, tumultuous?
OR
Is this alternate universe actually reality and it is where everyone else lives? Have I been living in, only experiencing a true alternate universe for so long that I no longer recognize regular life as normal? There really might be some truth to this notion. I personally doubt a reality that isn't painful, hard, tough, difficult, heart wrenching... I am almost afraid to consider one that is nice, friendly, fun, sweet, enjoyable, pleasant.
I guess time will tell. In the meantime, my journeys between universes will probably remain difficult. The contrast is wrenching.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Pain of our Children
Odd emotions attached to parenting.
I have had on many occasions, the challenge of feeling the pain of a my child when they suffer an emotional blow inflicted by friends (or lack thereof).
Ceara has always been my dark horse of a child. Wonderfully, I find her temperament and personality invigorating - others find her obnoxious and challenging. She is that person that many meet and instantly dislike. People like vanilla, and she is certainly not that. I adore her, dark brooding person that she is. So, thru her life I have had to console and talk thru some very difficult friend and teacher relationship issues. Rough. As a parent we really just want people to like our kids and life not to be so rough on them.
Well, the tides have turned. Ceara is sailing, she is sharply able to manage her friend issues, assert and defend herself in may situations and understand completely that sometimes, people just don't like you, so move on.
Now it is Declan who is suffering a similar fate. I am having a rough time figuring it out. He is my sunshine. He was born happy. People love him the minute they meet him. But not so much here on Camano Island.
I arranged a birthday party for him, and invited all his classmates. Only one showed up.
One.
Thanks God for that one. Otherwise I don't know how I would have consoled him.
In addition to all this - he is pining away for his dad...
Life is tough for Declan right now - and it is tough for his mom to watch him live thru and wonder how it will change him. Wonder if this is what is his destiny, what is needed to shape him to be the person he was born to be....
Parenting is rough.
I have had on many occasions, the challenge of feeling the pain of a my child when they suffer an emotional blow inflicted by friends (or lack thereof).
Ceara has always been my dark horse of a child. Wonderfully, I find her temperament and personality invigorating - others find her obnoxious and challenging. She is that person that many meet and instantly dislike. People like vanilla, and she is certainly not that. I adore her, dark brooding person that she is. So, thru her life I have had to console and talk thru some very difficult friend and teacher relationship issues. Rough. As a parent we really just want people to like our kids and life not to be so rough on them.
Well, the tides have turned. Ceara is sailing, she is sharply able to manage her friend issues, assert and defend herself in may situations and understand completely that sometimes, people just don't like you, so move on.
Now it is Declan who is suffering a similar fate. I am having a rough time figuring it out. He is my sunshine. He was born happy. People love him the minute they meet him. But not so much here on Camano Island.
I arranged a birthday party for him, and invited all his classmates. Only one showed up.
One.
Thanks God for that one. Otherwise I don't know how I would have consoled him.
In addition to all this - he is pining away for his dad...
Life is tough for Declan right now - and it is tough for his mom to watch him live thru and wonder how it will change him. Wonder if this is what is his destiny, what is needed to shape him to be the person he was born to be....
Parenting is rough.
From the Random to the Mundane
I am coming to terms with the fact that while I really enjoy my 'me' time (infrequent as it is), I would much rather share my free time with others. I am a social slut.
I am, however, still wrestling with the concept of romantic love and whether I believe in it or not. Currently, I lean on the side of believing it is mythical. True love - madly, deeply, truly forever kind of love between a man and a woman - I am not so sure of. I haven't seen it much - and when I do see it, I doubt that it remains for long or is as real as it seems. If it were true - I would agree with the other believers that I would certainly want to experience it. But to spend my life hoping for, trying to create and chasing a rare and elusive thing. I don't know...
That said - if I were to find a person who I could even conceive of feeling this way with - they would, I am sure, find me deplorable and completely unlovable (I have that effect on men). I have that much faith in good old Murphy's Law.
So, where does that leave me? Lavishing other types of love on others, pursuing things I know exist, looking inward for satisfaction and peace.
and continually pondering the myth of 'true love'...
Aside from all this deep thinking I have been cleaning my house. One reason - so I won't have to shoot myself so living in such a sty. (I exaggerate) Another reason - so I can list the house, sell, move on with life. Cleaning is cathartic. A bloody bore and horrible chore, but it leaves the mind free to wander thru all sorts of things and thru time forward and back. I love that about thinking - the fact that there are no rules. You can dodge all over and there is no little knucklehead pointing out that you are breaking the rules and going outside the lines and pondering the unthinkable and planning the impossible. Thanks God. Otherwise much of what I have planned and achieved would never have happened (or the knucklehead would have been hurt ;) )
Next question -define 'good sex' - does it merely need to feel good, does it require a touching of souls, must it involve love, or at least deep feelings, does it require mutual simultaneous climax, is it in the dark, in the light, in the tub, shower, bed, outdoors, indoors, hard and fast, or soft, sweet and slow, eyes open or shut or both...?
Yeah - I know - nobody is going to answer the question.... whatever.
I am not a fan of rap music. At all.
Back to my laundry and vacuuming and my mind racing all over and back.
Till next post...
I am, however, still wrestling with the concept of romantic love and whether I believe in it or not. Currently, I lean on the side of believing it is mythical. True love - madly, deeply, truly forever kind of love between a man and a woman - I am not so sure of. I haven't seen it much - and when I do see it, I doubt that it remains for long or is as real as it seems. If it were true - I would agree with the other believers that I would certainly want to experience it. But to spend my life hoping for, trying to create and chasing a rare and elusive thing. I don't know...
That said - if I were to find a person who I could even conceive of feeling this way with - they would, I am sure, find me deplorable and completely unlovable (I have that effect on men). I have that much faith in good old Murphy's Law.
So, where does that leave me? Lavishing other types of love on others, pursuing things I know exist, looking inward for satisfaction and peace.
and continually pondering the myth of 'true love'...
Aside from all this deep thinking I have been cleaning my house. One reason - so I won't have to shoot myself so living in such a sty. (I exaggerate) Another reason - so I can list the house, sell, move on with life. Cleaning is cathartic. A bloody bore and horrible chore, but it leaves the mind free to wander thru all sorts of things and thru time forward and back. I love that about thinking - the fact that there are no rules. You can dodge all over and there is no little knucklehead pointing out that you are breaking the rules and going outside the lines and pondering the unthinkable and planning the impossible. Thanks God. Otherwise much of what I have planned and achieved would never have happened (or the knucklehead would have been hurt ;) )
Next question -define 'good sex' - does it merely need to feel good, does it require a touching of souls, must it involve love, or at least deep feelings, does it require mutual simultaneous climax, is it in the dark, in the light, in the tub, shower, bed, outdoors, indoors, hard and fast, or soft, sweet and slow, eyes open or shut or both...?
Yeah - I know - nobody is going to answer the question.... whatever.
I am not a fan of rap music. At all.
Back to my laundry and vacuuming and my mind racing all over and back.
Till next post...
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Youth
I got carded again.
You know - even if a place has a policy of 'we card everyone who looks 30 and under' I am still good with that ...
I was at dinner with a good friend - who is older than me and has grey hair. They carded me, but not my friend...
You have no idea how good this makes me feel.
And my boss called me into his office to chastise me for being impudent (it is that redhead thing - I swear it...) and as the conversation went he said 'you're what 30-32?'
Again - you have no idea how good this makes me feel.
I don't think all these people are in some odd conspiracy...
You know - even if a place has a policy of 'we card everyone who looks 30 and under' I am still good with that ...
I was at dinner with a good friend - who is older than me and has grey hair. They carded me, but not my friend...
You have no idea how good this makes me feel.
And my boss called me into his office to chastise me for being impudent (it is that redhead thing - I swear it...) and as the conversation went he said 'you're what 30-32?'
Again - you have no idea how good this makes me feel.
I don't think all these people are in some odd conspiracy...
Transitions
I have a hard time with some transitions -
I bring this up becuase I am in the middle of a divorce - and I have 2 kids - My soon to be ex has the kids every other weekend. I drive to his work late at night Fridays- he works swing shift - and he takes the kids for the weekend. Then on those Sundays I pick the kids up in the evening.
With that framing espedially - I have to say that trasitions are challenging for me - and I would love to hear if anyone has any way that they have been able to deal with transitions easily.
I make plans for my 'no kids weekends' that are so far removed from reality and daily life. They are fun and exciting - I am able to really be me, do as I damn well please, make choices for me alone and generally be free. I so enjoy those weekends. Don't misunderstand me for a minute - I absolutely adore my children - and if I wasn't 100% completely sure they were safe and well cared for those weekends would make me insane. But they are safe and well cared for and I don't worry. I cut loose.
So - driving them to meet their dad - my brain is jumping ahead to whatever plans I have for the weekend. I am not 100% engaged with the kids. (it is only a 45 minute drive) and when I pick them up, same thing - my brian is circling around the past weekend's events....
So - is that ok? Do I need to work on it...?
We all have transitions in life - work to home; school to work; school to home; relationship to relationship; age to age; home to home...
Driving from work to home and back is a very easy transition time for me. I put music on and use the time of my commute as an insulator between work and home. Put one aside, begin to consider, plan and anticipate the other.
I think this divorce schedule is too new and my 'kid' and 'no kids' universes are so diverse and distant from each other that I haven't figured out what to do with them yet...
Any suggestions are welcome...
I bring this up becuase I am in the middle of a divorce - and I have 2 kids - My soon to be ex has the kids every other weekend. I drive to his work late at night Fridays- he works swing shift - and he takes the kids for the weekend. Then on those Sundays I pick the kids up in the evening.
With that framing espedially - I have to say that trasitions are challenging for me - and I would love to hear if anyone has any way that they have been able to deal with transitions easily.
I make plans for my 'no kids weekends' that are so far removed from reality and daily life. They are fun and exciting - I am able to really be me, do as I damn well please, make choices for me alone and generally be free. I so enjoy those weekends. Don't misunderstand me for a minute - I absolutely adore my children - and if I wasn't 100% completely sure they were safe and well cared for those weekends would make me insane. But they are safe and well cared for and I don't worry. I cut loose.
So - driving them to meet their dad - my brain is jumping ahead to whatever plans I have for the weekend. I am not 100% engaged with the kids. (it is only a 45 minute drive) and when I pick them up, same thing - my brian is circling around the past weekend's events....
So - is that ok? Do I need to work on it...?
We all have transitions in life - work to home; school to work; school to home; relationship to relationship; age to age; home to home...
Driving from work to home and back is a very easy transition time for me. I put music on and use the time of my commute as an insulator between work and home. Put one aside, begin to consider, plan and anticipate the other.
I think this divorce schedule is too new and my 'kid' and 'no kids' universes are so diverse and distant from each other that I haven't figured out what to do with them yet...
Any suggestions are welcome...
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Jager
So, thru the years, I have heard many a Jager story, but never had my own to tell. Never tried Jager. Well, that all changed last night. I attended a friends birthday party and the invite said 'no presents, only Jager'. By the third shot, which was early in the evening, it was obvious she needed help. I thought, as a friend, I ought to at least attempt to reduce her intake by swigging from her glass. First taste - I loved it! Enough other friends were paying attention and started buying me shots as well. I lost count, and the evening wore on...
Of course I could tell you what happened after that, but it hardly appropriate here in cyberspace, away from the thumping music and dim lights of the club. If you want to hear them, you are going to have to take me out and buy me a shot or two, make me talk and then see what I do. I do hear I am rather entertaining. Fun. Daring. Shocking. Sexy.
Do I have a hangover? Nope - just don't get those.
I would love to hear your Jager story - if you feel like sharing.
Of course I could tell you what happened after that, but it hardly appropriate here in cyberspace, away from the thumping music and dim lights of the club. If you want to hear them, you are going to have to take me out and buy me a shot or two, make me talk and then see what I do. I do hear I am rather entertaining. Fun. Daring. Shocking. Sexy.
Do I have a hangover? Nope - just don't get those.
I would love to hear your Jager story - if you feel like sharing.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Adult time
My kids are headed to their 'dad' weekend to stay at the grandparents' home. I get 3 days all to myself (or will I share them?) and I am thrilled.
Will I miss the kids, sure, but they come back and it is good for them to spend some time with the other side of the family.
I am relishing my personal time. Really love the freedom and independence it brings - and other intangible delights...
OK - some are tangible - but they are private and you will just have to not know what those are.
Enjoy your holiday.
Will I miss the kids, sure, but they come back and it is good for them to spend some time with the other side of the family.
I am relishing my personal time. Really love the freedom and independence it brings - and other intangible delights...
OK - some are tangible - but they are private and you will just have to not know what those are.
Enjoy your holiday.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Things I Love
I love Cirque du Soliel
Seen 2 of their shows in the past months time and I just love them -
the very next one I want to see is O
Seen 2 of their shows in the past months time and I just love them -
the very next one I want to see is O
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Bad Human
OK - I am a bad human - I think my status as such should be revoked.
I skipped a dentist appointment today - just because I can't stand the dentist, didn't want the pain, and well - *something* better came along...
I shall burn in hell with a smile playing across my lips...
I skipped a dentist appointment today - just because I can't stand the dentist, didn't want the pain, and well - *something* better came along...
I shall burn in hell with a smile playing across my lips...
Monday, May 19, 2008
More Random Crap
So - I went to an 'event' this evening for Botox. The fact that I am 42 and got carded buying beer last Friday kind of gives a little background on why the whole thing kind of bored me... and perplexed me. and bored me.
I got more bigger stuff to be bothered with.
but--- segue here...
I met a fellow there who said he was sure he knew me, likes to keep track of red heads... well - the diatribe of 'why red heads are cool' ensued. and one thing he said that was a little funny was 'red heads are always over sexed' well I immediately disagreed and pled my case for *more* and then he said 'and they always lament that they are not'.
Well - what do you do with that?
(I drove straight home - made no attempt at procuring 'booty call' as it were - and was uncomfortable the entire ride - well still am )
Dammit.
I got more bigger stuff to be bothered with.
but--- segue here...
I met a fellow there who said he was sure he knew me, likes to keep track of red heads... well - the diatribe of 'why red heads are cool' ensued. and one thing he said that was a little funny was 'red heads are always over sexed' well I immediately disagreed and pled my case for *more* and then he said 'and they always lament that they are not'.
Well - what do you do with that?
(I drove straight home - made no attempt at procuring 'booty call' as it were - and was uncomfortable the entire ride - well still am )
Dammit.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Feelings - whoa whoa whoa
How many emotions can a person feel at one moment - and remain sane and balanced?
Not sure - but it does give you that 'fresh off the roller coaster, I think I am going to hurl' kind of feeling.
Most disconcerting are the feelings that sneak up behind your ear and hit you like a 2x4. Usually when you are driving and the song on the radio takes you somewhere else and allows the feeling to sneak without your noticing it...
Personally - almost every emotion that crosses my psyche gets dissected. Some warrant a call to my BFF for help with the dissection. and reassurance that I am 'normal'. But always the dissection yields interesting glimpses into my person - who I am so intrigued by.
I know myself pretty well - much better than most - purely because of this pathological need to constantly view cross sections of my angst- but there are times I have shocked myself with my own intensity.
I do like owning and steering my mood - lately it has been a crap shoot though. Working on it...
Not sure - but it does give you that 'fresh off the roller coaster, I think I am going to hurl' kind of feeling.
Most disconcerting are the feelings that sneak up behind your ear and hit you like a 2x4. Usually when you are driving and the song on the radio takes you somewhere else and allows the feeling to sneak without your noticing it...
Personally - almost every emotion that crosses my psyche gets dissected. Some warrant a call to my BFF for help with the dissection. and reassurance that I am 'normal'. But always the dissection yields interesting glimpses into my person - who I am so intrigued by.
I know myself pretty well - much better than most - purely because of this pathological need to constantly view cross sections of my angst- but there are times I have shocked myself with my own intensity.
I do like owning and steering my mood - lately it has been a crap shoot though. Working on it...
Monday, March 10, 2008
something else (finally )
well - yeah - it has been awhile - but I have a lot going on. if you know me - you know it. if not, make up something spicy.
today's issue - violent TV - having those images in your home - how prevalent that crap is - and how many people actually think it is OK - and no big deal - and fine if the little kids watch it - it's fake, right? - what is there really to get bent out of shape about? - I hate the crap.
I think that Hollywood has created more gore and more heinous movie plots than real life has ever given us.
so - violence is part of life - this world we live in is violent - but why do we have to make more - and spend our free time soaking in it? why can't we just let the people who truly love it go to movie theaters - without their children to watch it
that way families wouldn't ever have to even accidentally see it - or watch it because the person in charge of the remote loves it - or just wants to see what happens next - who cares - it is gross!!
OK 'nuf vent.
if you are a lover of the crap violent stuff - post your defense - otherwise I will assume that you agree with me!!
today's issue - violent TV - having those images in your home - how prevalent that crap is - and how many people actually think it is OK - and no big deal - and fine if the little kids watch it - it's fake, right? - what is there really to get bent out of shape about? - I hate the crap.
I think that Hollywood has created more gore and more heinous movie plots than real life has ever given us.
so - violence is part of life - this world we live in is violent - but why do we have to make more - and spend our free time soaking in it? why can't we just let the people who truly love it go to movie theaters - without their children to watch it
that way families wouldn't ever have to even accidentally see it - or watch it because the person in charge of the remote loves it - or just wants to see what happens next - who cares - it is gross!!
OK 'nuf vent.
if you are a lover of the crap violent stuff - post your defense - otherwise I will assume that you agree with me!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
