Time

So, about 3 years later I decide to post again - to nobody, or anybody. Just for the sake of writing. Most everything in life has changed.
Divorce is final, starting a new job, living in a new house.
I am still trotting thru it all undaunted, most of the time.
I am officially 'in a relationship' but still pondering the nuances of what that means and where it will take me.
My kids are older, seem to be weathering the 'child of divorce' fairly well - though only time will tell. There is a guarantee that divorce changes children, the risk is in how it will change them. Daily it changes.
My mother passed away - I don't expect to recover from that. It still knocks me over, levels me. I was left with an undeniably real feeling that there was no longer anyone on this planet who loved me as wholly, strongly and reliably. Or perhaps at all. The need for her has not gone away - nor been replaced. I haven't found her type of love and wisdom in anyone. I regret that my children didn't know her. That is something I should not have allowed my ex to steal from us all. And I hear her voice echo in my head - move on, pick yourself up, don't dwell on your mistakes.
The country of my childhood has deposed its evil dictator. Violently. The country is reborn and yet to come to grips with 'who' it will become. We who lived there, knit together by strands of text and memories on FaceBook, wait and watch with hope. Perhaps against hope.
I did a triathlon - it was hard, and now I know I can do it. I also know I could do it better, not sure if I will take that challenge up or not...
I am genuinely hating my age. Specifically, the number. What it is and howI feel are so grossly divergent I just end up hating the number.
I am currently 'working on' my spirituality in a very cerebral way. Only how I want to think about it - not at the point of action at all. I have a lot of grist for the mill.
I am trying also to reconcile a work situation that is in the past, but perplexes me and might have life altering implications. At the heart of it - am I a terrible person at work? Or, was I more a victim of one or two really horrible people? Both options might be true, might be untrue. If true, both would require alot of 'what to do' musings and ultimately behavior changes.
Generally though, life is good. Despite my whining, musings and deep terrible thinking.

Love

I finally figured out that I would like to be in love - to be loved, to really be cherished by another human being who is not coerced in anyway to have any interest in me.

It isn't critical that I experience this - it just is something I have resisted in the past because it was unlikely, risky. If it happens to me it will be wonderful - and now I will quit resisting those relationships which might develop into something like this... yes - you can resist love....I know - I have been doing it for awhile on many levels.

You might interpret this as me being unloving - but quite the contrary - I have always been willing to love, adore, cherish and tend people who are in my life. Receiving is the challenge...
To be clear, this doesn't mean I want to get married and have babies again (not saying no to it, just saying it isn't part of the criteria). I just want to have the experience of knowing when I wake up in the morning there is another adult on this planet who wants very much to see me, desires to spend time with me and prefers me over others...

My biggest challenge to this entire scenario - me believing it can happen - and then a person nuts enough to go there with me....

Oddly enough, I have plenty of friends who I know love me dearly - it is that romantic aspect which would require a guy to love me dearly that is so far outside my mental capabilities to even conceptualize....

Autumn

Thank God Autumn is beautiful - because it depresses the hell out of me.

It signals the beginning of a long period of living in the dark, being cold and breathing horribly stuffy air. Almost immediately - with a brief reprieve around Halloween due to daylight savings time *whatever* - I am trudging off to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I have to start closing my windows, turning on the fireplace, wearing layers and layer of clothes. Illness is inherent in this as well, stuck inside, breathing the same ghastly air that your coworker (sick as a dog, thanks very much for making it in to share your germs with me) 6 cubes away just exhaled - after adding the equivalent of a neutron germ bomb.

You know, I could do the season for a day, but Autumn signals about 9 endless, wet and boring months of it. Truth be told, I am actually my most productive during this time, but it is simply because I am avoiding dwelling on how much I hate it. (sorry for dragging you into my loathing and despair - when even I hate being in it)

Every year, about this time, I start picking up travel magazines, surfing Travelocity and Club Med websites frequently, and actually consider moving to warmer climes.

I wonder if being raised in Libya is the fuel to this inferno?

Well - sorry for the down post - but I just hate this time of year. Hope I snap out of it soon.

Time to start Christmas shopping.... that ought to perk me up a little at least.

What else can I do to 'lighten' my mood? What do you do when Autumn hits?

Here and Now

Where I choose to live...
not talking about a house or an apartment or a condo...
talking about where *mentally* I exist.

I could opt for pie in the sky future, bust out the rose colored glasses, stir in a winning lotto ticket, heap on the goodies of materialism - and really live there. But what would that accomplish? Inevitably I would be forced to compare that with reality - the results would force me into a temporary, yet very dark, depression.

I could opt for the golden view of yesteryear - alternated for variety with all the mistakes and awful moments which just won't succumb to the mind eraser. I could relive every bit of it - better and with more wit and wisdom. But it wouldn't change where I am now - the choices have been made, the awful moments suffered thru.

Or, I could, in Random Penny signature fashion - embrace where I am (however awful or blissful) and immerse myself in this life wholeheartedly. When I am with my children, really be there, hear them, guide them, most importantly love them. When I am at work, really be there, craft a career, relish my tasks, learn and grow and lead. When I am alone, really be there facing my demons, planning my future, dealing in reality, being a healthy me. When I am in my alternate universe, really be there, enjoying the people who are there, being grateful for the activities provided, savoring the food, the time, the morsels, the delight.

Really live - here and now.

Train Wreck

I am hurtling down a mountain on a train - my soon to be ex husband is heaping the coals on the fire of the engine and he has already disabled the brakes. I am in one of the cars with my children, with my arms wrapped as protectively around them as I can in the face of certain disaster, certain harm, holding onto them tightly.
He laughs maniacally at us all, and just in time jumps safely out of the train.
I am not liking this part of divorce - I am not liking the powerlessness - I am not liking the harm and stress this is inducing on my children. I am not liking the fear. Never did like the fear - but it got me to leave.
and I will be free and that is where I fix my eyes, and that is the destination I tell my kids about. The freedom will be worth this horrible...

Self

This endless discovery of self is challenging to me. When will I be who I am? When will I know who I am? When will I quit changing like the sifting sands? When will I be able rely on myself? When will I be able to predict myself?
What I have learned recently - that I previously didn't know - about me:
I need affirmation. (this one was shocking, I thought genuinely that I needed no one - merely enjoyed them)
I don't ask for help. Ever. (this scares me, especially when I should, when I need to)
I feel weak - like a failure - when I cry.
I need touch - in many different ways, from different people, for different reasons.
I am easily hurt. (thought I was tougher than that)
I have never felt loved in a relationship (outside of parent/child or friendship)
I now recognize that I want to feel loved (oh, god, where will this take me - )
I am a really good negotiator - with crazy people. (do whatever you want with that)
I give love easily...

Old Friends

Going to dinner tomorrow with a group of friends from high school. Some I have seen in the recent past - most I saw at the 20 year reunion - but I was in a post-baby, I think my husband is having an affair, laid off from work funk. So, my input and conversation ability was stilted to say the least. But these are people I love. I lived with most of them for 3 years (love boarding school) and we knew each other rather well then. Now, we have been spread all over and are gathering back - so the conversation should be rich and fun. From our Facebook pictures we are all aging well, some of us have added pounds. Most of us have kids to talk about...
I hope I have a wonderful time.
This is a thing I would never have done pre-divorce. Just wouldn't have been allowed...