I am coming to terms with the fact that while I really enjoy my 'me' time (infrequent as it is), I would much rather share my free time with others. I am a social slut.
I am, however, still wrestling with the concept of romantic love and whether I believe in it or not. Currently, I lean on the side of believing it is mythical. True love - madly, deeply, truly forever kind of love between a man and a woman - I am not so sure of. I haven't seen it much - and when I do see it, I doubt that it remains for long or is as real as it seems. If it were true - I would agree with the other believers that I would certainly want to experience it. But to spend my life hoping for, trying to create and chasing a rare and elusive thing. I don't know...
That said - if I were to find a person who I could even conceive of feeling this way with - they would, I am sure, find me deplorable and completely unlovable (I have that effect on men). I have that much faith in good old Murphy's Law.
So, where does that leave me? Lavishing other types of love on others, pursuing things I know exist, looking inward for satisfaction and peace.
and continually pondering the myth of 'true love'...
Aside from all this deep thinking I have been cleaning my house. One reason - so I won't have to shoot myself so living in such a sty. (I exaggerate) Another reason - so I can list the house, sell, move on with life. Cleaning is cathartic. A bloody bore and horrible chore, but it leaves the mind free to wander thru all sorts of things and thru time forward and back. I love that about thinking - the fact that there are no rules. You can dodge all over and there is no little knucklehead pointing out that you are breaking the rules and going outside the lines and pondering the unthinkable and planning the impossible. Thanks God. Otherwise much of what I have planned and achieved would never have happened (or the knucklehead would have been hurt ;) )
Next question -define 'good sex' - does it merely need to feel good, does it require a touching of souls, must it involve love, or at least deep feelings, does it require mutual simultaneous climax, is it in the dark, in the light, in the tub, shower, bed, outdoors, indoors, hard and fast, or soft, sweet and slow, eyes open or shut or both...?
Yeah - I know - nobody is going to answer the question.... whatever.
I am not a fan of rap music. At all.
Back to my laundry and vacuuming and my mind racing all over and back.
Till next post...
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1 comment:
I have to tell you, I love your mental wanderings - it's very much like what goes on in my head. I don't stay in the lines well either I guess.
I haven't decided if I'm gonna touch the 'sex' question yet...still thinking...but I have to say something about "truly, madly, deeply" love - and I hope I don't sound too trite, especially knowing what you and many of my friends and family have been through and are still going through with divorce.
First off, I don't have any answers so if you want to quit reading go ahead. But to start, I think you have to know who you are first and be in love with yourself. Not in a stuck up, egotistical way, just happy and confident about who you are. Truly. Know that what you have to offer is something special and valuable to the other person. I know it's easier to hide behind something - we all do it from time to time. It's scary putting yourself 'out there', in any kind of relationship; work, friends... but it's necessary if you want the other person to be able to see who you truly are.
I don't know how it happens or why some people find it and others don't. Some people just get lucky I think. And although I'm a sucker for a romantic movie, I don't think it's what movies glamorize it to be. I think it's more, just simply being happy to see each other on a day to day basis. Having that be the person you want to talk to first & most. Someone who challenges you to be a better person. I know that is oversimplified and discounts all the hard work that also goes into it, and I don't mean it that way. I think it's a ton of work, forgiveness, understanding, mutual respect and willingness to be available to the other person. (Of course basic attraction doesn't hurt either;)
Maybe that's why it's so hard to have - it takes two people being on the same page at the same time? And when not, for at least one of them to be focused and have faith when the other doesn't? Someone who's 'got your back' if you know what I mean. Ok now I totally don't sound romantic at all! lol! So maybe for me it's a mix of all that?
All that being said, I do believe it's out there; it definitely exists and is worth wanting. At risk of oversimplifying, again, I think you definitely have to be 'open' to it to find it and when it comes along be willing to give it a try. I wish it for all my friends & family who want to find it. For me there's nothing better. I know I've worked hard, but I know I'm lucky too.
Chrissy
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