Self

This endless discovery of self is challenging to me. When will I be who I am? When will I know who I am? When will I quit changing like the sifting sands? When will I be able rely on myself? When will I be able to predict myself?
What I have learned recently - that I previously didn't know - about me:
I need affirmation. (this one was shocking, I thought genuinely that I needed no one - merely enjoyed them)
I don't ask for help. Ever. (this scares me, especially when I should, when I need to)
I feel weak - like a failure - when I cry.
I need touch - in many different ways, from different people, for different reasons.
I am easily hurt. (thought I was tougher than that)
I have never felt loved in a relationship (outside of parent/child or friendship)
I now recognize that I want to feel loved (oh, god, where will this take me - )
I am a really good negotiator - with crazy people. (do whatever you want with that)
I give love easily...

Old Friends

Going to dinner tomorrow with a group of friends from high school. Some I have seen in the recent past - most I saw at the 20 year reunion - but I was in a post-baby, I think my husband is having an affair, laid off from work funk. So, my input and conversation ability was stilted to say the least. But these are people I love. I lived with most of them for 3 years (love boarding school) and we knew each other rather well then. Now, we have been spread all over and are gathering back - so the conversation should be rich and fun. From our Facebook pictures we are all aging well, some of us have added pounds. Most of us have kids to talk about...
I hope I have a wonderful time.
This is a thing I would never have done pre-divorce. Just wouldn't have been allowed...

Duh

I have been warned. I knew.

But somehow it is still knocking the wind out of me.

I still am resolute, affirmative in my decision, because even this price is well worth the freedom.

Let it be said however - divorce is hard. Or as my friend Mike said, 'it's a real mind fuck, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy' There is some hard-assed wisdom there.

I knew that going in. That doesn't lessen the pain.

...and don't you worry about me - I am made of tough stuff - so a little cryin' in my beer (who's buying) and I can do this.

Beautiful Souls

Everyone once in awhile I am reminded of the reason I am in wonder of life.

The other day, I attended a meeting out at the Tech Lab. The purpose was to show a new tool that will greatly aid in the work of the assembled Driller Team. As we were stood around - about 20 of us - waiting for the demo to begin and as a few late arriving key players walked in - one member experienced a seizure. Pretty severe one. Spiraled into a fall which was only stopped by the concrete floor. He bounced - hard - from a direct hit on the back of his head.
Some of the team knew about his condition, others did not.

The events that followed truly inspired me.

I work alongside these guys a lot. When we do a 'join' we are at work long hours, working difficult challenges and you get to know people when you do that. They are a great group of guys. I didn't know how wonderful they were. The team member who went down is by no means the outcast nor the champion, he is just another one of the guys. We like him, he likes us, we have occasionally had words, not many, and never remained mad. Just worked through the problems.

What I saw that day was beautiful, but if I wasn't looking, I might have missed it. When he fell, so hard, immediately the 3 guys closest to him in proximity, gathered around, spoke reassuringly, got something soft to go under his head, kept him from thrashing into anything else and further injuring himself. They didn't fawn, they didn't mess up, they didn't yell, they didn't shock, they very calmly handled the situation from a position of caring. His supervisor immediately got on her blackberry to summon the aid car. Others stood in the aisle way to direct the aid car to the correct location when it did arrive. Everyone hushed and did what was needed to care.
The big manager - who was in attendance to authorize the budget - went scurrying after tissue to wipe the man's mouth - out of concern, compassion.
I saw such tenderness, care, empathy, intelligent first aid, respect. I was floored.

I work with these guys a lot, and I knew they were special, but I had no idea how special.

After the aid car came and took our co-worker off to the hospital, the demo resumed, all very professional. We took care of business. Some of us returned to our work areas, but another group immediately went to the hospital. To check on him... Made sure his car got home. Gave him a ride home from the hospital. Checked in on him via phone. Reported to the others not in attendance. Not just that day, but even still.

All of this was taken in stride. All in attendance stood in their honor as excellent humans.

I respected them all before - now - maybe a little awe....