This endless discovery of self is challenging to me. When will I be who I am? When will I know who I am? When will I quit changing like the sifting sands? When will I be able rely on myself? When will I be able to predict myself?
What I have learned recently - that I previously didn't know - about me:
I need affirmation. (this one was shocking, I thought genuinely that I needed no one - merely enjoyed them)
I don't ask for help. Ever. (this scares me, especially when I should, when I need to)
I feel weak - like a failure - when I cry.
I need touch - in many different ways, from different people, for different reasons.
I am easily hurt. (thought I was tougher than that)
I have never felt loved in a relationship (outside of parent/child or friendship)
I now recognize that I want to feel loved (oh, god, where will this take me - )
I am a really good negotiator - with crazy people. (do whatever you want with that)
I give love easily...
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Kindergarten
Random thoughts of a regular person who grew up in Libya, has a rather unique view on life, and spews random thoughts, randomly.
Penny
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1 comment:
Better now than never.
I too share your inability to ask for help. I once stole money rather than ask my parents for it at a particularly low time. Even my closest friends rarely know the worst that's going on with me because of some irrational deep-down fear that they'll reject me if they knew the "real" me. Even at age 43, those things still have power over me.
But, the good news is, it's less and less with the passage of time. Growing old, in most cases and definitely in my case, has translated into growing more comfortable with myself. And growing more comfortable with myself has made it easier to trust my friends with pieces of the deepest and darkest parts of me. Because you come to realize that even if your friends do recoil, you still have the firmer bedrock of yourself to fall back on. And survive on.
That's the gift of being independent and single. You develop a foundation of self strong enough to withstand anything. It's my wish for you, Penny, that once you strip away all the layers of varnish coated on you over the course of your marriage, than you peel back the last layer to find the foundation, still intact and ready to be built up and put to use once more.
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